My Toxic Relationship

Another failed relationship?

Feeling lost, alone, confused, uncertain, sad, mad, or even left not knowing what you feel?

We all have had our hearts broken in some way or another… Rather that is in a romantic relationship, friendships, parents or siblings, we have all experienced deep emotional pain from leaving a relationship that was once important in our life. 

None of us are alone in the pain that comes along with loss. 

We have our own unique story but at the end of the day, we all have had the same feelings in our bodies, soul, heart and the same thoughts. 

Today I’m going to share my story of the toxic romantic relationship I experienced. It was so horrifying but also a perfectly imperfect part of my journey and life that lead me to where I am today.

“I could have done better”... “I don't know why they had to act that way”... “Why wasn’t all the work we put in enough”.... "I should have tried harder" ....“But we love each other, I don't understand why we can’t figure it out”..... Some of the thoughts that go through our minds during a breakup. 

I fought so hard for that relationship because I felt it just had to work! I didn’t want to start all over again, I already spent so much time working to better this relationship, his family loved me, we had made plans for future trips together and years after which I felt I just couldn’t give up. The hopes and dreams were bigger than the hurt or pain.

I sat at work many times with tears in my eyes hoping no one would notice so I wouldn't have to explain. I was scared of another failed relationship. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel needed at just the right time, mostly when I was feeling vulnerable. I had feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness & embarrassment so it was easy to stay in an unhealthy place. 

Now looking back I could see that I was horrified of feeling the immense pain of loss in my body. I had no idea how to deal with the overwhelming emotions that would overcome me. So, I kept going back time and time again.

Yes, we had great times together, a great connection and a blast getting to know each other. Just like most people do at the beginning of the relationship we saw, felt and heard only the wonderful things. Our hearts were full, feeling twitterpated, you know like the movie "Bambi"? It was so easy to get lost in the daydream of what your future could look like, when you’re in the feelings of bliss and happiness. When it was good it was really good, fun, great, feeling like you are on top of the world together! 

I heard my parents fight often as I was growing up. They would say hurtful things to each other so this behavior wasn’t unknown to me. Maybe there was a part of me that thought this is what love is. At first, it was pretty sly the way he acted normal… slowly interjecting the things he didn't like about me, which would make me feel like what I was doing was wrong, so I made adjustments because it seemed small. Then at times he would get very upset and act out, which at the beginning would take me by surprise so I would try to fix it by apologizing like it was my fault. He twisted arguments often so it was all of a sudden my fault, making me extra careful not to do it again, walking on eggshells. This pattern keeps playing out but the more time we spend together the more I had feelings. As my words got twisted around he started to use what I said against me, so I would side with what he said because frankly I didn't always remember. Plus, keep in mind that I was walking on eggshells because I wanted to make him happy.  

Meanwhile, he told me stories of things that happened to him during his life so I felt empathy, and made sense in my mind as to why he would act out the way he did, justifying his actions in my head. I made excuses as to why he would act that way, being naive. As women we are made to nurture so we think consciously & subconsciously that we can help them, fix them, show them another way. Therefore getting deeper and deeper into this relationship because "I could fix him", I could "Show him the way" as if I was any better in the knowledge I had in being in a "healthy relationship". 

The arguments started happening everyday which means the name-calling and being put down would continue, and at some point I started to say the hurtful things back because it was the only way I knew how to defend myself, making you part of the problem. As much as you tell him the words hurt, to stop so we can be in a healthy relationship, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. This cycle goes on and over time it just gets worse.

At this time we started to break up with each other because we were mad in an attempt to hurt each other & break free. At first, it was a relief, instantly feeling lighter because the fighting stopped... but then the pain started to creep in. The thoughts start to go crazy about the future you were planning and how he is just hurt and doesn’t know how to love but I can show him. He can change and so can I. So eventually we talk again, now this cycle continues and gets worse. He ignores me for days making it even more painful, not knowing my worth or how to deal with the pain, the cycle continues and we are back together again. 

Except for this time he didn’t trust me, so in order for it to work I need to start giving up certain friends, change places I used to hang out at, and the control starts to steep in more. By this time the name-calling has turned into saying how bad of a person I am, no one will ever love me, I’m not good for anyone along with a slew of unmentionable name-calling… And yes, I contributed to those fights and said very wrong and hurtful things as well. Remember the shame and guilt I wrote about earlier, these were all factors of staying in this relationship. 

Sometimes when we would make up with each other, we would have a great time and I would think it’s working, things are getting better. There was a light showing me how great this relationship could be if we could just stop the fighting, the name-calling, breaking up & threats. The glimmer of hope shines bright at these times. Things are going so well but then BAM! what went from really good just went to 10 times worse. Because when it's good, it's really good but when it's bad, it's really bad. 

He would throw my personal items from his home in the trash, snap a photo and send them to me. There were many incidents of this sort, along with many threats, & at times physical fights. As I stated on the podcast interview, (if you haven't listened to it yet head over to "Daily Cup of Joy") it took the cops being called to the house and him destroying almost every room in our home to finally feel forced to leave the relationship. 

This cycle went on for far too long. We had good intentions most of the time, but it was never going to work. 

I have sat in blame & shamed myself off and on for years after this finally ended. How could I stay so long, why would I put myself through this? How come I couldn't see what was happening? I thought I was smarter than that? What a waste of time, I never loved myself. The list of self reflecting guilt could go on.  

There are many other details that I could go into & maybe one day I will, but overall this is the gist of my experience. Maybe you have had similar experiences, I know most of you reading this have had some variation of a toxic relationship. Possibly you are in it right now but are unable to see it because to be honest, it’s hard to read a label if you are in the jar. Hopefully, after reading this, you are able to take a step back and see from the outside in.

I want you to know, you are not alone. I share my story today in hopes that it will reach others in the love they are searching for. I’m sharing this in an attempt to reach the woman who is in it and feels alone, judged, unworthy & shameful like I have. To share with others that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are not too broken to heal and be loved.

We all have opportunities to heal from our life experiences. You have a choice right now to start loving yourself & take the first step in doing that.

The most important relationship of all is the one we have with ourselves. I have had to learn that the hard way, and it took many years. No person or thing will ever love you the way you can love yourself. When you learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself everyone around you wins. 

The first step for me was to forgive myself for the trauma, pain, hurt, lies, anger, sadness and millions of tears I had put myself through. I had to forgive and learn to love the broken parts of myself.  This has been an ongoing healing process. Re-learning how to have normal disagreements, learning how to love myself fully and mend the brokeness will take some work.